The Game

Ma and Pa Adler are visiting New Orleans for the first time on their bi-annual inheritance tour.

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Here’s a family photo. Not my family. Legally they want to avoid any public acknowledgement of our connection. I’m not the second from the left.

What is an inheritance tour you ask? Why a tour to identify the child most deserving of the inheritance. The middle brother has been the running winner for over a decade, but I’m hoping to eek out a win this year.

Here are a few of the things I’ve already done to secure the top spot during this tour:

  • I picked Ma and Pa up at the airport.
  • I helped carry one of their bags!
  • I made Ma a cup of tea.
  • I let them buy me lunch! (Parents love spending money on their kids, especially the moochy, adult ones.)

Pretty good, huh?

And to help secure my spot, last night I pulled out Cards Against Humanity. Ask yourself, what else would two, god-fearing, Midwestern parents want to play?

Scrabble? Pfft.

Pictionary? Please.

Winning an inheritance is about one thing – Know. Your. Audience.

Some people would argue those are three things. These people don’t understand dramatic pauses.

Don’t be one of those people.

No one likes them. (I’m looking at you, Yolanda!)

In Round 7, yours truly was the Card Czar and I was magnificent at it. The skill, the charisma… Apparently, Card Czaring is what I was born to do. Thankfully, I was born in the right place at the right time.

Sometimes I feel bad for people who weren’t born at the right time or in the right place. Then I enjoy a Kit Kat, because empathy is a downer.

I read the card… “And the Academy Award for <blank> goes to <blank>.”

And here is the winning response:

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Cards Against Humanity – The Successful Pornographer’s Idea Generator

Yep. “The Academy Award for the Art of Seduction goes to Daniel Radcliffe’s delicious asshole.”

Played by none other than Ma Adler herself.

Tears streamed down her eyes, her complexion turned ruddy.

“Ma!” Pa said, shocked.

“I don’t even know who Daniel Radcliffe is,” Ma said, choking on laughter and falling from her chair.

“It’s Harry Potter!” I said, clutching my proverbial pearls.

“Oh. Oh! Well that’s not appropriate at all,” Ma Adler said, becoming quiet, before melting into a fit of laughter.

Now I’m just a small-town inheritance scientist, but this seems like a really good sign. I think I may take down the reigning champ of the tour… the middle brother.

They still have a visit with the youngest brother, so anything can happen.

But regardless of the outcome, I suppose I’ve already won the inheritance tour, since we now know where I got my sense of humor.

Ahhh…

Now sentiment aside, I still want the real inheritance – Grandpappy’s old Folger’s can of nuts and bolts.

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This is the inheritance. Most people wonder why I want it so bad. My answer? Because if I don’t get it, one of my brothers would.
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