Yesterday afternoon my gift giving friend IM’d me.
“Can you believe this shit?” she wrote and then pasted a link.
I opened the link, which turned out to be a recipe for tapas.
“Tapas isn’t an actual dish. It’s a style of dish,” I pointed out.
“Huh? Dammit! Wrong link!” my friend said, in slightly more salted language.
Another link popped up.
“Sweet Mother of God,” I wrote.
“Sweet Mother of Humanity,” my friend corrected.
Before I share this mind-blowing link with you, I’d like to take you back.
6,000 years back to when God dipped hands in the mud of what would one day be Flint, Michigan’s water system, and created man.
“Jesus,” God muttered, seeing his creation. “It’s rather floppy in parts. Let me invent unleaded mud and then create another creature.”
There were some bunsen burners and beakers, sugars and spices, and a bit of Chemical X, and lo and behold, there stood Eve.
Now imagine, you’re Adam or Eve. You’ve just been invented. What is the first thing you do?
No, you don’t get Five Guys.
No! You don’t go to Disney World.
You invent walking.
That’s right. Adam and Eve fucking invented walking!
I mean, who did you think it was? Copernicus?
You think everyone dragged their sorry asses around for thousands of years and Copernicus suddenly said, “Hey, why not balance all our weight on two feet and not fall down! Also the Earth goes around the sun!”
Anyways, enough of your misconceptions about history! We return to Adam and Eve perambulating around the garden when God happens to stop by.
“Holy Shit! What are you doing?” God asks.
“We call it walking,” Adam said, taking credit for what was mostly Eve’s idea.
“That is the shiznit!” God said, having spent all of eternity, up until this point, riding around on a cloud. “Not only do I like your invention. I like the name! How about you go around and name all these creatures running around? And while you’re at it, give yourself a little something.”
That’s right, before this moment, Adam and Eve were nameless.
So they go off, as instructed, and name all the animals.
Which went something like this:
Adam: What should we call this thing?
Eve: How about a duck-billed platypus?
Adam: What’s a duck?
Eve: What do you mean, ‘what’s a duck?’
Adam: Well you used ‘duck’ as an adjective to ‘billed,’ so I wondered what a ‘duck’ is.
Eve: What’s an adjective?
Adam: We don’t have time to invent grammar, Eve! We have to name all these animals. So what’s a duck?
Eve: How about that thing over there?
Adam: Good enough for me.
And so it went…
After two years of work, Adam and Eve named all the animals and had nothing else to do. So they invented Netflix and Chill, deciding their progeny could later invent a netflix.
“What’s this?” God asked.
“Netflix and chill,” Eve said.
“Nice! Well, since you haven’t shown any interest in this tree over here, I’d like to point it out and tell you not to touch it. Okay?” God said.
“Okay,” Adam and Eve said.
But being the first parent of two-year olds in the history of… well, history… God knew telling them not to touch something wouldn’t be enough.
So God two-year-old proofed the shit out of the Tree of Knowledge.
No expense was spared. Electric fencing, photon torpedoes, and those lion hunter pits covered with sticks to ensnare anyone walking over.
So what did Adam and Eve do? They concocted a caper so brilliant George Clooney turned it into Ocean’s Eleven.
“But Adam, there are only the two of us, and neither of us is Bernie Mac,” Eve pointed out.
So they revised their plan into a Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper vehicle called The Silver Linings Playbook, so named because of God and their scheming.
So let’s recap. So far Adam and Eve have created:
- Names for every animal
- Madcapped capers
- An Oscar Nominated Adapted Screenplay
They are smart, but not as smart as God. God left one final thermal detonator next to the Tree of Life to stop Adam and Eve from getting in trouble.
That thermal detonator was named Snake.
Who wasn’t very good at his job.
Now I know what you’re going to say. “Cole, you’ve mixed your allusions! Photon torpedoes are from Star Trek; thermal detonators are from Star Wars!”
To which I respond: “This is religion, Jim! Not sci-fi!”
Which is exactly what Adam and Eve did.
Like every other exhausted and frazzled parent in history, God said, “Look, I don’t have time for your shenanigans. I’m busy creating ultraviolet light. So you’re going to need to take a time out.”
Only God called this “Original Sin,” which is why God is a better parent than you. You call it a time out, how weak is that?
Does this time out deter Adam and Eve’s inventing spree? No. Those goddamned geniuses (quite literally at this point, I’m afraid) invent “the move.”
Boxes, tape, packing material, trucks too big to park comfortably on a residential street – the whole kit and caboodle.
Yeah, I know, you thought Copernicus invented that shit. You give him too much credit.
They move, then go on to invent the human race. Now they wipe their hands and retire. Right?
Holy Edison’s Patent Attorney are you wrong.
Which is where we come back to the present day.
Scientists have recently determined some of our most popular fairy tales are nearly 6,000 years old.
Which means someone wrote these stories right around the time God created the Earth.
And who else was around to write these stories other than Adam and Eve? Bernie Mac?
While Bernie Mac would have kicked the bejeezus out of the three act story structure, Eve already informed us he is not there.
That’s right, Adam and Eve created the bedtime story. They filled Cain, Able, and Seth’s heads with the likes of Snow White, Cinderella, Pocahontas, Mulan, and Herbie the Love Bug.
Don’t believe me? Check out CNN’s recap here – everything I said is 100% factual(ish).
Which leaves me wondering, are Disney Princesses the real Original Sin?
Is our atonement, as a race, to attend princess party after princess party, cleansing our soul with each rendition of ‘Let It Go?’
Is Michael Eisner an archangel?
Someone call Neil Degrasse Tyson and get us a clear answer!