The Queen’s Corgi Conspiracy

Holy Zeroth Law of Thermodynamics! There’s actually a 0th Law of Thermodynamics because science gives zero math fucks!

I sat down this morning to write a titillating piece on science’s sciency discovery of gravitational waves and how freaking lame everyone is for getting excited about this.

But while researching (aka procrastinating) I discovered a conspiracy so deep, I had to turn to Wikiepedia for insight.

The Shitsticle That is Queen Elizabeth’s Dog Collection

For those not in the know, as I was until about three minutes ago when I checked Wikipedia, She-Of-Many-Hats has three breeds of dogs: corgis, cocker spaniels, and dorgis.

I, like you — unless you’re British and care for such things — thought the Queen only owned corgis. I also, like you, thought dorgis were a family of house elves in the Harry Potter series.

“So, she owns three types of dogs. There’s no conspiracy in that, Cole.”

Well, no freaking duh, Aunt Regina! It’s what further research of these dogs uncovered.

Stick with me and hold onto your bloomers.

HRH’s Corgi Collection

According to Wikipedia, at last count, the Queen owned five corgis. This “last count” caveat is important, since the last count was as of 2007. Nearly a decade has passed and no one has any clue how many corgis the Queen has, except maybe HRH herself.

And she’s keeping that shit off Wikipedia.

Why?

Oh, there’s a reason…

And his name is Monty.

The Queen’s five corgis are named, innocently enough: Monty, Emma, Linnet, Willow, and Holly.

Now aside from naming her dog Linnet, nothing seems particularly askew here.

Until Wikipedia, bastion of all temporal knowledge, goes on to explain the following:

“Monty, Willow and Holly appeared in the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony when James Bond (portrayed by Daniel Craig) arrived at Buckingham Palace to escort the Queen to the event. Monty had previously belonged to the Queen Mother, and died soon after in September 2002.”

Did you catch that? No?

That’s because the Queen’s guards fucked around with the order of information so the timeline isn’t clear. Let me untangle this little fuckery for you.

2002 – Monty dies, soon after the Queen Mum passes.
2007 – Monty is one of Queen EII’s five corgis.
2012 – Monty appears next to Daniel ‘slab of carved beef’ Craig in the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony.

If you’re like me, I don’t have to tell you what this means.

Which is why I’ll tell you, because you aren’t like me, you poor, silly, naïve bastard.

Queen Elizabeth is dead!

“Wait, Cole, how do you figure that?”

Thought experiment time!

You’re one of the Queen’s handmaidens. One morning you come in and find her facedown in a bowl of Fruit Loops. What is your first thought?

Exactly!

Wait, you didn’t figure it out?

Fine, I’ll spoonfeed it to you.

“Oh, shit! She of the lesser hat game is gonna be Queen.”

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Camilla Parker Bowles wearing a Texas Steakhouse centerpiece as a hat

As handmaiden to the Queen, you call all of England’s top scientists together and explain what’s at stake. Then you say, “You have two hours before the Duke of Wales and Duchess of Cornwall show up for breakfast. Fix this!”

So the scientist go all Newtown’s Law and build a time grabber.

“Cole, what’s a time grabber?”

Seriously? Take a high school science class.

A time grabber is like this:

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A grabber

Except it reaches through time to pluck back the thing, or person, you want.

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QEII toileting with Monty AND frozen in carbonite

So the scientists build the world’s first time grabber, reach back, and pluck a living Queen Elizabeth off the potty and bring her back thirty seconds before Charles and Camilla walk through the door.

Only the Queen happened to be holding Monty, the aforementioned dead corgi, on her lap while toileting.

Why would she do that?

She’s royal. Don’t ask stupid questions.

I know what you’re thinking…

“But, Cole, this seems highly likely. The cost of maintaining a quantum grabbed person, let alone person and dog combo, in the present day would be astronomical!”

I appreciate your economical savvy set-up for my transition to…

The Cocker Spaniels

You’re absolutely right, of course. Without the funds to support a quantum grabbed Queen, HRH would be sucked back to October 2002 where she came from.

Which is why Buckingham Palace is now home to five cocker spaniels.

Some people think cocker spaniels ground the quantumly kidnapped in the present day. Those people have no understanding of the basics of science caninery.

If you want a dog breed to ground the quantumly kidnapped in the present, you use finnish spitzes. But that’s a rare dog breed, even for a Queen, so instead you need a lot of money to pay the electric bill needed to maintain the temporal shell surrounding the Madam of Monarchy.

“But, Cole! She has a lot of cash, she’s the Queen!”

Yes, but remember, she doesn’t want Charles or Camilla knowing about this. So a secret stash of quantum maintanence cash is necessary.

So what do you do?

Get five cocker spaniels and sell their naming rights to large corporations.

“Cole, that’s ridiculous. You can’t prove it.”

Oh yeah?

Well, the Queen’s c-spans are named: Bisto, Oxo, Flash, Spick, and Span.

I know, now you think I’m fucking with you.

But I swear to Almighty Schrodinger, this shit is real.

Bisto – a British food company
Oxo – another British food company
Flash – a Marvel superhero… or DC hero… or a WB coming of age character
Spick ’n Span – a cleaning product from Prestige Brands

Now I’ve only done some back of the napkin math on this, but those four brands over five dogs is more than enough to fund a quantum shell maintainment unit.

And if prices go up, she can just add a sixth cocker spaniel named, Beepee.

Now onto the dorgis… the unintended consequences of a quantum grab.

Dorgis

According to Wikipedia, a dorgi is not a house elf, but a corgi-dachschund hybrid.

Yeah, like we’re going to believe there enough people are standing around saying, “I want my corgi to have shorter legs and a longer spine, dachschundize-it!” to require a brand new breed of dog.

Here’s a picture of a dorgi:

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The dorgi, suspiciously nothing like J.K. Rowling’s house elves.

I’ll admit, it looks like a dog, but there’s not an ounce of dachshund to be seen.

If anything, this is a corgi-Russell Tovey hybrid.

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Corgi
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Russell Tovey

A bunch of furries just melted.

Anyways…

Dorgis are neither of the aforementioned hybrids, but a parallel universe version of the corgi.

“Wait, Cole, you lost us!”

Seriously, what were you doing during high school science?

In science, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

“So?”

Sigh… Fine, I’ll spoonfeed this to you.

Action: Pull Monty from historical timeline and hold him in the present.

Reaction: Alternate universe corgis come into the present to prevent an imbalance in the Force.

“Wait, Cole, that makes absolutely no—“

Ssshhh… Thinking too much hurts the brain.

But that leaves a looming question. If pulling Monty into the present pulled four alternate universe dorgis into the present, what was pulled through to balance out the presence of the Queen?

The house elf version of the Queen, of course:

photo
For the old people out there, this is One Direction. They broke up to pursue their Royal House Elf ambitions.
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